When Darkness Falls, Let the Light In

incredible-storms

This morning, as all other mornings, I read the posts of some of my favorite bloggers. Candy Coated Reality by Renae is one of my most favorites. It’s a beautiful site filled with art along with articulate posts. She’s extraordinary. But today, she talked about suffering from depression. About the darkness. About wanting to sleep away the feeling of dread. Unfortunately, I knew what she was talking about.

It’s hard to admit you have depression because most people don’t understand it. They see it as sadness, but it’s so much more than that. It’s darkness that invades your life and sometimes your little flashlight of medication doesn’t shine through it. It just is.

My depression manifests itself in withdrawing. I don’t speak. I sit in like a lump in my chair and play Facebook games. I don’t even want to write when this happens to me. Lately, the money issue in my life has put me in such a place. Part of it is the chemicals in my brain, but the bigger part of it is feeling like such a failure.

I tell myself that my life is what I’ve made it. I do want to stay home and be here for Ken. He struggles so much everyday, you’d think he would have to fight depression—because he has it too. But in his case, he sees the world in a whole different way. He never complains because he says doing so would only make me feel bad. He never puts anyone down because he allows people to be just as they are. He somehow keeps himself in a world that is filled with light.

Yesterday some light came into my darkness. After the phone call about getting a lift chair for Ken, we both were invited out to lunch by my dear friend Joyce. We first had coffee at her beautiful little home, and then I drove us all to Nafi’s where we had a sandwich. When Ken went to the bathroom, she opened her purse, pulled out a wad of bills and said, “How much do you need?”

I knew she was going to help us, but her generosity overwhelmed me. I never guessed she would hand me one hundred dollars.

Again, God has provided. He does his special work through others, and Ken and I are testimony to His good works. Remember the ramp his aunts and uncles gave us? Remember Scott putting more work into it than he originally planned and then didn’t charge me? Remember Jackie and Kay giving me money so I could buy my books for a book signing? Remember Steve and Tara helping us with the overwhelming drug expense?  Remember Dad paying off my car when it was reposed by the finance company? Remember others who stand beside us and will drop what they are doing to be here for us –Dave and Terry, Heidi and Ray, Patrick and Linda, Jim and Cathy — the list goes on.

I do not practice organized religion, but I do believe a higher power intercedes when we’ve done all that we can do on our own. Time and time again, our friends and family have helped us out of jams Ken and I couldn’t fix ourselves.

I feel so humbled when all I can do for them is say, “Thank You.”

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4 thoughts on “When Darkness Falls, Let the Light In

  1. Hi Barb…. it’s just me… again! LOL Hey, we need to talk right now… yes, NOW! I also understand depression way too well but I want you to know that you are not and NEVER have been a failure!!!! I mean that from my heart and I know it besides. I am the teacher also and I have two assignments for you. Find two or three people who know you well… and ask them how they perceive you. Get brave, let them list what would be on your ACCOMPLISHED list and what would be on your FAILURE list. I bet you a buck I know which list will be empty. Then look within yourself and, instead of thinking of your failures, make a list of all those who have failed YOU… and how it has affected you. We are so quick to blame ourselves but I don’t think blame is the answer. Anything that did not go as planned, you have managed to work through, change around or overcome it. I see no failure it that. Love, Dy

  2. I read her blog too and haven’t commented on it yet. I’ve struggled with it my whole life as well as a mild form of PTSD. Depression is a daily struggle for more people than we would imagine. Pushing out of bed and putting on clean clothes or taking a shower are events to be celebrated. We can list the many, many blessings in our lives but the darkness is still hovering in the shadows. Many, you included, have just cause for some depression. It doesn’t help knowing that. Just know you aren’t alone and can speak of it. That brings it out in the light. I speak of it candidly with my sister and she with me. We keep each other putting one foot in front of the other. I heard somewhere that depression is anger turned inward. So I’m not beating myself up anymore. Hang in there. We do reallly, really understand.

    • Marlene — Thanks for your kind words. I can always count on you for support and comradeship. I’m sorry you suffer from depression, too. I really don’t believe the anger turned inward; I totally believe it is a chemical malady and should be treated. I’m just happy mine is the mild sort. Barb

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